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For the past several weeks I’ve been functioning at about half what I figure I should be able to.

All of my energy is being spent trying to be and appear normal at work.

Talking to friends and seeing them completely drains me of energy now. Which sucks. A lot. I went to see a close friends new house and after the initial panic attack of having to see someone I managed to spend a few hours there but was exhausted and near tears at the end of the night.

I have friends that are trying to talk to me and think that talking about this will somehow make things better. What it does instead is drive me to drink and cry and have panic attacks where I think I’m close to having an actual heart attack when I try to talk about things.

I know that this is how I feel: Cartoon about being an introvert. But this time it’s like I can’t seem to recover. I can’t ever make it back to feeling normal.

I have so much to do at work that I’m starting to feel like I can’t deliver on. I owe someone a resume I promised as well but don’t know what to put on it. I feel like all of my skills and knowledge are base level skills and not someone who has 22 years with linux, 10 in hosting, 5 in security, 7 with esxi, etc.

I had to drop out of a convention thing I really wanted to go to because I really didn’t feel like I’d be a good representative for the convention. I need to quit the con because I’m not doing it any good but handing the server off is scary to me because I don’t know what people will think of my setup AND I have to teach people how to maintain it.

I want to get back to streaming but Max doesn’t seem excited about any of it. I need to find someone who doesn’t drain me who is interested in helping with sound/lighting for the stream maybe so I’m not trying to play, keep max entertained, AND keep the stream functioning. I’m still not happy with how our apartment was re-arranged last year. It doesn’t really suit my needs. I’d worked so hard to get all the camera angles and lights in a functional place and now I can’t seem to get the energy to do it.

My pump it up has fallen into disrepair. It is so far behind on updates for stepmania i’m having troubles with the note skins now. I really want to upgrade to pump it up prime but don’t see the point now since prime 2 is due out in december and those games are not cheap (around $2,000 for board and game and I really need the newer board.)

I’ve been playing with ideas for my artemis/Empty Epsilon setup. I have 4 lights right now and I really want to make some small things for the weapons console to show the status of the torpedo tubes. But will power on that is low since I’m afraid to have people over to play it.

I’ve been thinking about getting rid of my board game collection. I kept imagining having large board game nights where a friends were over and playing games but I’m not social enough with the above issues right now. I feel like it’s a burden on Max to play games. He’s really into this farm simulator things so I let him play it most of the time.

I really hate that I don’t know what to say to my friends about what’s going on with me and that it’s so painful to try to talk about it. I know one in particular is probably getting really mad at me. Max offered to “take care of it” when I almost went into a crying fit because I didn’t know what to say. But I’m afraid he’ll somehow make it worse. I wonder if this is how people end up slowly going agoraphobic, lose their job and everything else. I really need to talk to my GP and see if they have something to take.

Bright things, I’m thinking of trying to print a 180mm tall atlas for battletech. Oh and I have a 3d printer that I’m enjoying a lot.

I fear work tomorrow.

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